Growing my “No”

Sunday, March 8th, 2026

Early in my pregnancy, I worried that I would lose myself in the process. Now, in the third trimester with my due date looming, I have discovered the exact opposite.

* * *

Certain circumstances in life force our hand. I’ve realized by now that the timing of various events can be confronting and we are either ready to step up and embrace the changes, or we are not. The consequence of the latter is sameness, which for many is an unhealthy stagnancy, maybe even a repetition of patterned behaviour that is not helpful towards serving our highest good. The gift of the former is growth and honouring of self, which I have personally always felt as ultimate freedom.

For much of my life, I have focused on the needs of other people. I do not believe this quality of mine came directly from the cycle of abuse I was raised in, but I do believe it was exploited. Narcissists love the empathetic. The compassionate without boundaries. I was born sensitive and my innate skills were harnessed into both a superpower and a weakness. I focused on my mother’s big emotions. I observed my father’s resulting freeze. I was seeking to understand both because both were keeping me stuck against my will. In my hypervigilance, I could feel their shame, especially when it came to the pain of my mother. I didn’t excuse her cruelty, but I could see through it. And for my own preservation and hers, I tasked myself with adjusting accordingly.

I have written much on my blog about the years and the patterns that followed. In my essays and in my journals, there are clear traces of this healing effort to break free. I wrote on the growing urge to become bigger, to be seen by others for the authentic self instead of the people-pleasing mask. I even wrote on the pain of being rejected from this “being seen” business, the steep price of vulnerability and the return of familiar heartbreak. If there is any proof that healing is in fact, not linear but cyclical, it is in my blog where you can see me retracing steps, finding myself in worn out dynamics and returning to old cycles with new eyes and fresh intentions.

* * *

For many of us, the pandemic was a major turning point. Old systems collapsed in different ways and we were all forced to pivot. That transformation was laced with trauma for lots of people and the harm is still being realized. For me, it was a true stripping down. There was one month where I went 21 days without spending time with another human being. And I liked it. The presence of noise and of obligation was replaced with quiet and solitude and generally being off the hook from being observed or critiqued or expected to do or to be. I might have been suspended in the quarantine of the moment, but I experienced my exact vision of freedom in the safest place in the world- my apartment.

Still, we cannot truly heal our patterns in isolation and the few years that followed marked a return to relationships and the back-and-forth grappling with these discoveries of self. Old habits die hard and there is an embodied resistance to both keeping up the status quo and feeling the call to do something different. This dichotomy is what defines the healing journey- how do we resist the unconscious drive to maintain the equilibrium that always kept us feeling “safe”, and instead choose the path that calls to us, the path that feels scary, the path that feels unknown? There is resistance awaiting in both scenarios, but only one leads to meaningful change.

And change found me! Or rather, I found it. In one magical summertime, my boyfriend officially booked his flight to move across the country and in with me and my cat. And as we were basking in the excitement of this new chapter, we created the most precious sesame seed of life. Parents. Mom and Dad! First trimester nausea, depression and identity crises. House rental viewings and applications. We both cried at the overwhelm. And I cried in the moments I felt myself repeating behaviours the "old Hilary” would have. The angst and the guilt set in, emotions that I know many adults feel after being raised in volatile homes. My daughter didn’t ask for this. She didn’t ask to be born into pain of mine that preceded her. The stakes had risen and they demanded accountability.

Still, healing is not some cognitive thing you just decide to do. You cannot ask the intellect to accept what is meant for the body. Perhaps initially you can, with all of the awareness of good intention, but in the end, much of healing is simply allowing yourself to feel- everything you had blocked, repressed and denied and everything new that arises to press on old wounds. In this way, you don’t have to force much of anything. Life will confront you as it does, simply asking that you respond to it- how you choose to move forward is the healing. Pregnancy became my portal. It created the conditions by which I could not proceed as I always had, down to the primal, physical level. In the most basic and urgent way, I had to begin saying no.

At first, this was terrifying. I wrote about the fear in my first trimester journal:

“How often have I felt lacking. Too tired, too nauseous to shine….I confront the fears that I am enough…Can I sink down into these weeks of need and be met there without judgement and with love?”

That was the question I felt afraid to face. For the last few years, I wondered, who will accept this authentic version of myself, the unmasked version? The answer was some people, but certainly not everyone, and luckily true acceptance is beyond worth the inevitable rejection. Now, further along in the journey, the question had evolved: who will accept this authentic version of me who is inconvenient sometimes and disappointing other times and who needs your effort and your care hopefully much of the time? If that’s okay with you?

The answer is some people, but certainly not everyone. Turns out, a lot of people do not like your “no”. For many reasons! As women, we are socially programmed to be agreeable and easygoing and anything less is deemed high-maintenance, too audacious and wildly unfeminine. Who does she think she is? A woman’s unflinching preferences and refusal to make others comfortable at the expense of herself is pretty socially radical. And many people will treat it as such. Other people are inconvenienced by your “no” because they kinda honestly preferred your flexibility. It worked really well for them. It met their needs, often more than halfway. And it’s brand new! They are not used to this version of you that could deny them and ask for effort in return. And others worry that your “no” means something about them. You are rejecting them or upset at them, sending them into a spiral of anxiety or even worse, defensiveness. They don’t respond with curiosity to your “no”. They respond with fear and that fear is focused on preserving themselves instead of seeing you.

* * *

“How do you want to be celebrated? Be honest!”

I received this text from my good friend who wanted to ask about my stance on a baby shower or gathering of that nature. Well, I do better in smaller group settings or one-on-one and I am kinda seeing friends individually in the next few weeks. That feels nourishing. I really do feel celebrated and that has brought me a lot of joy!

I knew I could be honest with her because the zone is judgment-free. It is also deeply curious. The intention is to know me, my current emotional state and my dreams for this third trimester. The impact is being seen and held safely in whatever response I choose to give. These are experiences that rewrite pain.

This is the gift of my “no”. It will be misunderstood by many and the fear that I will disappoint others will sadly be proven correct. Some people will very much dislike my “no”. But the connection and the feeling of safety when it is respected, appreciated and upheld- soul-affirming.

* * *

I have been facing these questions and these fears and my own audacity all third trimester long. And it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t expect this. It is not a side effect listed on WebMD. “Pregnant woman becomes rather inflexible.” But, when you are consistently adjusting and when you are accustomed to ignoring your body and talking yourself out of your “no” with the power of your intellect, at some point you will discover how TIRING it all is. It uses a lot of energy! Low and behold, going against our own instincts and desires is costly and as a pregnant woman, my capacity has changed. And shrunk.The energy I spent attuning to others is now used for growing a baby and for keeping my own body running. I no longer have anything to give to over-functioning even if I wanted to. Once again, I found myself at a threshold, practically unable to do anything else except evolve into someone who chooses myself, communicates my capacity honestly and observes who honours that. If no one is okay with it, well at least I honoured and took care of my own body. And my baby.

Or, I tried. I still found myself crying in moments when I over-committed myself, when things I had previously agreed to were now looming and feeling so deeply uncomfortable in my body. When I worried about the consequences of my “no”. When those feared consequences came true. And on the flip side, other moments where I felt positively giddy after I DID listen to myself and cancelled plans or rescheduled or simply and lovingly opted out. It felt like skipping school or calling in sick to work or basically foregoing the “good” and choosing the cheeky option that feels rebellious and downright selfish. Who does she think she is?

I am a sacred vessel creating life and isn’t it the perfect time that people are tasked with the effort of taking care of my needs? After years of being the single, childless woman who was so flexible to the changing landscape of other’s lives, mine is changing now too. How do you want to be celebrated?

I am grateful for my pregnancy and the way it absolutely obliterated my capacity and forced me to change my over-functioning ways. I was so deeply fearful of losing the connection to myself in motherhood, but at this point, it only feels as though I have deepened the connection because the communication with my own body is that much stronger. I had the ingrained practice of living safely in my mind and this pregnancy has not so gently invited me into the realm of the body and the intuitive and the feeling wisdom. I relish it. I savour the insight into what feels good for me and what does not. I am eternally grateful to those people who respect both pieces of information and have helped me feel empowered in my “no”. These are people who value honesty and authenticity above compliance and above convenience. These people help me feel as big as I’ve always dreamed.

If you need to grow your “no”, you don’t need to get pregnant, although this seems like a really foolproof method. You just need to start listening to your body and actually follow its lead. You do not always need to employ your mind into manual override to choose the sensible, socially acceptable option. And if you are pregnant, pull that elastic waistband over your throbbing pelvis, take a long nap and be joyfully and outrageously inflexible for the love of God! Just be!! You are enough.

And because you have grown your “no”, you have invited your “yes” to do the same. This practice of saying no is not intended for rejecting everything and everyone and isolating yourself in your apartment with your cat (although we already know that I quite enjoy that). Your “no” is not punishing, but affirming. It is not limiting, but liberating because this practice is also about listening to what your body says YES! to, enthusiastically. The things you want to be a part of wholeheartedly, with intention and joy and full commitment and effort. Not guilty or fearful effort, but empowered effort. You’ve created space for so much yes and now it leads the way! Your “no” is valuable information, but your “yes” is your calling.

My “yes”: unmasked authenticity. Expansive selfhood. Embodied connection. Curiosity and respect. Growth that is humble in its acceptance of its own cyclicality, spiralling and meeting itself over and over again in the healing of pain and the experience of joy. A soft focus set less on the doing and more on the being. What I have personally always felt as ultimate freedom.