autumn in review
Sunday, December 4th, 2022
I am trying to learn
from the autumn leaves,
the way they dance
before letting go.
-pavana reddy
Autumn is the season I wait for all year. It begins with blank notebooks and sharpened pencils and even though I no longer go *back-to-school*, I still deem these necessities. My birthday soon follows in mid-September and no matter the year, I make sure it is filled with champagne and friends. Another year in this life is always worth a celebration. Seemingly overnight, the leaves turn crimson and we gather with family to give thanks, drink wine and honour the October harvest. And then before long, we welcome the November chill and the first snow, enjoying autumn’s final stretch before winter blankets us in stillness.
To me, autumn has always felt like a fresh start. I am far more likely to set intentions in September rather than on January 1st and I honestly cannot say whether this is because of my birthday or the changing season. Still, autumn feels like a reset, a call back to myself. It feels like an invitation to slow down after the sticky, hedonistic summer, to reflect on the year so far and to settle into the rhythm of gratitude for the remaining days. But maybe my favourite part about autumn is that it serves as a reminder to let go, and shows us all the incredible beauty you find when you do.
* * *
This year, I returned home from vacation and ended my relationship. The first two weeks of September were a dizzying combination of jet lag and heartbreak, neither of which can be cured with anything but time. Nevertheless, on the 15th I celebrated my 31st and almost immediately retreated to bed, infected with this year’s flu or some other vengeful bug. The remainder of the month was spent this way and I only popped out to enjoy tea and fresh air within a two block radius of my apartment. It was nasty and remains such a blur to me and the only consolation was that I could begin October with a surplus of appreciation for my generally good health. All in all, it certainly wasn’t the “You’ve Got Mail” intro to my fall season, but I was slowly feeling better and for that I was grateful.
I woke up bright and early on October 1st for a family shoot and in hindsight, that was a foreshadowing of the month ahead. October was THE busiest month in my business so far and I am still overwhelmed by the number of families that I was able to meet in just a few short weeks. The colours were beautiful, the days were temperate and lots of kiddies enjoyed hunting for red leaves in the breaks between smiling for my camera. I relinquished all semblance of a routine and honestly, I had trouble setting defined “days off” for myself- certainly one of the growing pains of running a one-woman business. But, as we all know (especially photographers) autumn is as beautiful as it is fleeting and I was determined to make the most of it.
And to my pleasant surprise, November graced us with more time!…with more mild days and the absence of snow. A few brave families booked shoots and I was thrilled to be able to work within the magic of the month. October might be warm and colourful, but November is moody and commanding and whenever I had a misty day, I was on cloud nine. My edits, by this point, had been consistent and I made sure to send each family teasers (especially ones eager to print Christmas cards!). But in spite of my best efforts, these edits eventually formed a kind of bottleneck and the longer nights offered me the chance to light some candles and make my way through them all. Slowly, but surely and always with a cup of tea.
* * *
And somehow, as I sit here writing this, it is the last night of November. December 1st arrives in the morning, Christmas is just weeks away and sure enough, as I look outside my window, a few flakes of snow dance past the streetlight that has been on since 4:30pm. Winter will be here soon and I will have to bid farewell to my beloved autumn for another year. But if there is anything I learned from autumn itself, it is how to say goodbye- how to let go in order to make room for rest, and then eventually and naturally, to make room for new growth.
At this point in my life, it feels like I have had to let go countless times and though I am exhausted by it, I sense nature reminding me that this practice never ends. I did not actually set any intentions for myself this September, but technically speaking, there are a few weeks left in autumn and I am setting one now. I want to find more lightness in the letting go, more joy. Even more, I want to celebrate it. I want to remember that letting go of what is no longer meant for me is simply creating more space for all that is. In that loss, inevitable sadness but also, infinite possibility.
Autumn is the season of change and this year, I think it was me.